


Murderous Perception

by nathansfanfics



Category: One Direction (Band), The Wanted (Band)
Genre: Gay Male Character, M/M, Slash
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-12-14
Updated: 2014-08-09
Packaged: 2018-01-04 15:01:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 21,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1082418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nathansfanfics/pseuds/nathansfanfics
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Never to forget, your mind is greater than our mighty universe..."</p><p>When Nathan Sykes gets the patient he's been waiting for; a Psycho serial killer, he's quick to discover that things are completely different in Jay's eyes, years of suffering unfold as he finds himself in an difficult position as well as trouble making brother; Harry causing problems where ever he goes, Nathan suddenly learns the unbalance of life itself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The glass that stands between us

**Author's Note:**

> Will be posting the next chapter soon, feel free to follow me on tumblr;  
> http://nath-sykes-me-up.tumblr.com/
> 
> Disclaimer: This is fiction and I purely made this up! if you find any mistakes as there is no beta on this fic please feel free to tell me and ill only feel slightly awkward and slowly change them without anyone noticing, I don't know The Wanted OR One Direction (imagine if I did tho wow) so this is purely fiction and I hope you enjoy.
> 
> Another thing, this is my first proper fic so i'm sorry if its not too good but I try my best :)

I tapped my pen impatiently on my clip board as I watched a middle aged man break down in front of me, something along the lines of that his wife left him because she found someone better blah blah blah, now he’s alone and in debt.  
“I’m going to show you a selection of pictures Sir, all you have to do is tell me the first thing that comes to mind” I said clearly over his obsessive blubbering as I held up a blurred edgy picture.  
“Love heart” He snivelled, I cringed slightly shuddering and quickly changed the next picture which caused him to burst into tears as he muttered ‘his wife’.  
I packed my cards away and sighed “I’m going to recommend you seek financial advice and family support, other than that i’ll see you in two days.. oh and congratulations on the “stay clear of suicide for two days” i said as he nodded, shook my hand before taking a bundle of tissues from my desk and left the room shutting the door behind him.  
I took of my glasses that perched on the end of my nose and rubbed my temples.  
I hated my job, well not the job itself just the people that wasted my time every single day, i’m a psychologist not a shoulder to cry on.  
My pager buzzed interrupting my inappropriate breakdown, I rolled my eyes as I shouted to my secretary.  
He sashayed in smiling carrying a cup of coffee in his right hand along with a stack of papers in his left, he placed them on the table beside my desk and adjusted his tie and top buttons as i concernedly looked at his chest tattoos.  
“Louis, what have i told you about your uniform” I sighed  
“Whatever Nathan, did you see that man out there? Mmmh that dude got problems” He spoke snapping his fingers, as he flicked his fluffy hair out of his vision “what is his problem? Wife left him? , STD? , Erectile dysfunction?” He sniggered  
“Careful Lou, Your gay is showing” I muttered as he flung his hands to his pelvis  
“Sorry sir i just cant help get so attracted to middle aged fat men” He said with a sarcastic tone “anyway did you get my email?”  
“What email?”  
“The email”  
“You send me loads of emails, many of which are pictures of you taking selfies at your desk”  
“You got to admit i did look pretty damn cute in that black suit the other day”  
I rolled my chair over to my computer and flicked through my emails, i scanned for Louis and finally found the most recent one, my eyes widened as i read the email quickly flickering back and fourth.  
“Is this true?” I said turning to Louis as he nodded  
“Yep, he got charged with 14 murders just last week, but no one knows why he just killed random strangers not even attached to him”  
Finally, a decent patient that wouldn’t be wasting my time, no blubbering on my couch for two hours everyday, just a plain old psycho.  
“Call the prison, and ill be right down there and also cancel all my other appointments for today”  
“Right away” He said jogging out the room and grabbing the phone.  
I grabbed my brief case along with everything else; i stopped dead by my filling cabinet and fiddled with the handle. Locked. I hesitated to get the key out of my pocket, but shook my head “don’t you dare” I thought as I shut the door behind me  
“Stay here and just call me if anything bad happens, there is a pile of files that need reading over in my office” I said to Louis as he handed me the directions to the jail  
“I must warn you as the Jail just told me that he isn’t exactly safe, you’re going to be with a guard at all times and never left alone with him” Louis spoke and smiled weakly, I shrugged my shoulders and called the elevator.  
My phone vibrated as i stepped into it, i sighed as I saw yet another text from my brother telling him that he had been beaten up once again.  
I ignored it and switched my phone on to silent as i walked out of the building, unlocking my tall black range rover and chucking my bag and coat into the passenger seat before driving down the highway towards New York mental institute.  
The lights in the road reflecting onto my paint work as I put my foot down and turned off at the next junction, then shortly pulling up on the horizon where the institute stood.  
The sun shone behind it as it descended down, it must have been around 5:30pm as people started pilling out of the jail probably the end of visiting hours.  
I locked my car and paced foreword to the eye saw of the building, it resembled some what of a medieval dungeon inside and out as i walked into the main reception.  
A muscular lady stood broadly at the desk and looked stern towards me  
“visiting hours are over” She grumbled slightly showing her golden front tooth towards me  
“uh...I’m Nathan Sykes? , The psychologist? , My assistant rang earlier?” I stuttered as she raised an eyebrow before opening the gate causing a loud, ear aching buzz  
“go through and follow me” She said as she exited through the back door, I proceeded through and met her on the other side, her massive black biker boots clanking along the tiled floor  
“He’s dangerous as your assistant should of told you, so I’m going to sit in considering you don’t want to be murder do you?”She said as I shook my head vigorously.  
She unlocked the door with lead me to a chair which had a glass window in front of it, I could see another chair through the reflection as she unlocked the door the other side “although, you’re separated by glass it is too much of a risk to leave you here alone” She said as she shouted to what must of been my patient, i flicked through his file and saw his charges ‘James McGuiness’ I muttered looking through recent doctor’s notes, not even someone in the medical profession could understand his reasons.  
I heard movement from the other side of the glass, as i looked up I saw a guy which couldn’t have been much older than me, mid build and light blonde- ginger hair, which curled on top of his head.  
His face occupied a scruffy beard which covered most of the bottom half of his face, before his piercing blue eyes shimmered in the reflection.  
He looked beaten up and confused, with scars still fresh and bloody on his forearm.  
“Hello James, I’m Nathan” I said smiling slightly hoping to gain something from this journey  
He grumbled and sucked his bottom lip before muttering;  
“I prefer Jay”  
“Jay it is”  
The room fell silent as i flicked through his file  
“So Jay, how are you today?” I asked but gained no reply just a blank expression; i cleared my throat and spoke once more.  
“What’s this place like then?” he stared at me with the same expression; i sighed and shut the file.  
“maybe you should come back tomorrow, he’s probably tired” The officer spoke as i stared into Jay’s eyes, i nodded and packed up my things “ill be here first thing tomorrow morning” I said to him as the officer grabbed him and shoved him back into his cell and then opening the door to let me leave.  
She locked all the doors behind me as i climbed back into my car, i sighed and checked my phone, 3 missed calls from Louis one of which voicemail.  
I tossed my phone to the seat and revved the engine before pulling fast out of the parking lot.


	2. The contemplation of fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Nathan's visit to Jay he realizes just some content of his life and begins to wonder what else could of he suffered.  
> Meanwhile, Harry drags himself home to only cause extreme irritation and damage to Nathan and the apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thankyou to everyone that has read this so far, it means a lot.  
> Once again no beta on this so sorry for any mistakes.  
> Disclaimer: This is fiction and I purely made this up! if you find any mistakes as there is no beta on this fic please feel free to tell me and ill only feel slightly awkward and slowly change them without anyone noticing, I don't know The Wanted OR One Direction (imagine if I did tho wow) so this is purely fiction and I hope you enjoy.

I got back to my apartment to find it in complete darkness, i shook my head and flicked the light switch which triggered the lights throughout the apartment.  
I guessed that Harry wasn’t home as i couldn’t smell the traces of weed like i usually do when i return from work.  
Harry and I are completely different in so many aspects, he just sits there and complains on how society is harsh towards him but then goes out and gets into brawls before ending up in a prison cell. The amount of times i had to bail him out well i had lost count and the Police were just getting fed up of him to the point sometimes they turned a blind eye to his tricks, which had a unfortunate effect on Harry’s ego.  
I chucked my bag onto the sofa and slouched down finally relaxing after listening to so many sob stories, but i couldn’t stop thinking about Jay in that cold, dark cell with that lady (to the point i question her gender now that i think about it), getting served lumpy old porridge but then again he is a serial killer most would say he deserves it.  
I run my fingers through my hair and sighed as i heard the key rattling in the door then a loud thud as it hit the wall beside it.  
“Mind the door!” I shouted as i heard a grunt and the door slam, i rolled my eyes and flicked the TV on.  
I heard heavy footsteps in the kitchen followed by a loud smash which caused me to fly out of my seat.  
“What do you think you’re doing!?” I shouted as i saw my brother standing over broken glass picking it with his bare hands causing blood to drip onto the floor.  
“Look, stop you’re bleeding for fuck sake!” I said pulling him away and sitting him down on the chair suddenly realising the whole of his face was bleeding as well as being covered in bruises and burn markes.  
I grabbed the first aid kit of the side and grabbed a wet cloth to clear up any infection.  
“What the fuck happened” I sighed dapping the antiseptic bud onto the biggest slash on his face, causing him to shiver and curse under his breath.  
“Some guy just randomly attacked me” He said simply   
“Just randomly attacked you did he?”  
“Yeah”   
I sighed and washed his hands to get the remains of the blood off before starting to pick bits of broken glass out of the miniature wounds.  
“So this just random stranger just slit your face open and burnt your skin” I said trying to get more out of him, considering that this story didn’t not even make any sense  
“Well... not a stranger exactly, i knew the guy but he just decided to hit me the dick i don’t know who he thinks he is!”  
“Oh come on Harry, You bloody know why”  
“Alright fine I damaged his car... By accident that is how else was i meant to catch up with them thugs that stole my weed”  
“Always about the weed with you”  
“Weed is life Nathan”  
“You’re high right aren’t you?”  
“Aren’t you listening? Someone stole it.”  
I rolled my eyes and packed up the first aid kit, “you’re done” I said grabbing a dustpan and sweeping up the broken glass from the floor and getting rid it of out of Harry’s way.  
I went into the living through to find Harry on his phone on the couch.  
“Heard you went to the nut job place today” Harry said not even looking away from his phone  
“And you know that how?” I said raising my eyebrow  
“Louis told me”  
“You speak to Louis?”  
“Yeah i met him once down that Gay bar on the high street”  
“Why were you at a Gay bar?”  
“Why do you think? God you ask some stupid questions sometimes”  
I turned away from him and went into my study to read through some files, i unloaded my bag to find Jay’s file on top.  
I sat down carefully in my chair and pulled my self closer flicking on my desk lamp and turning off the main light.  
I balanced my glasses on the end of my nose and began looking through page by page in detail.  
The examiner report tells that he had suffered years of abuse and exploitation which is what some officials say is the problem for his killings.  
He dropped out of school when he was only 16 because of gang conflict and subsequently the bullying from the other students.  
He escaped his last mental institute by getting through all the security traps but left existing damage to his nerves due to the electrical fences he escaped through.  
I glanced over how much abuse he had suffered and thought about the endless stories he could tell me about this considering he had failed to speak to anyone about his life, this was only from police and fostering results.  
His parents and siblings died when he was only aged 7, in an unfortunate car accident which seemed where Jay’s distress started.  
At aged 7, he was bullied for being an orphan and was moved to a private school but then taunting still continued.  
I shut the file in desperation as i read through his traumatic stories shivering at the thought of the stories that lie in his mind.  
As i started flicking through more files on ex alcoholics, divorcees and other same old stories suddenly the fire alarm started wailing from the living room.  
I grumbled as i open the door to thick black smoke, i stumbled back and put my jumper over my mouth before entering into the cloud.  
I saw Harry standing on the chair fanning the smoke detector to shut it up, i shook my head and opened all the windows before finding the source of the fire; The cooker.  
I grabbed the near by fire extinguisher and yanked the pin out and hosed the fire out, i slammed the can down and looked towards Harry, both of us covered in thick black smoke.  
“What the fuck were you doing setting the cooker a light?!” I shouted as he got down from the chair  
“I was testing my hypothesis”  
“Which is?”  
“That by setting the cooker on fire and creating a scene i would be able to get your attention, and it was correct!”  
“You need help”  
I walked off and left Harry too it, i slammed my bedroom door shut and slid down the door with my head in my hands, it was pounding like someone was playing the drums in my head.  
I need some aspirin, just one...maybe two...or more, i went into my medicine cabinet and found the aspirin right at the back.  
I sighed as i pierced the paper and slid on into my mouth before taking a drink, i went to pierce another one but stopped as i heard my phone ring.  
I shoved the pills back in the cabinet and walked to where my phone laided on the bed, just Louis again checking what time to be in, typical.  
I laid down with my head on the pillow and contemplated on the case, he was main concern for some reason the suffering he has caused but suffered himself was balanced equally.  
Is ever right for a human to suffer that much? and still be treated like he’s in debt to society?


	3. Forbidden Happiness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nathan's visit to Jay takes a toll onto his thoughts leaving them both distraught, leaving Nathan seeing Jay in a much different light to everyone else.

Do you ever have that feeling, that anticipation feeling where you wake up feeling absorbed by emotions, indescribable emotions about the day ahead?  
I thought about today, about how i would see the anguish in his face, how he would stare at me blankly but was it a disguise for all his pain? Was he screaming with sorrow, with forgiveness behind them eyes? No one knew besides him. And that’s what scared me the most.  
I swung my legs over the side and sat still, listening to see if Harry was awake.  
No weed or burning filled the air so i guess not and i intended to keep it that way.  
I slowly made my way to the bathroom and slid slowly into the shower letting the water hit my back.  
I had one of them thoughts in the shower, the one that makes you understanding the wider aspects of situations, why did he suffer? Why him? If people heard my thoughts I’d be locked up beside him. At least he’d have a friend.  
I got out of the shower and dried myself quickly, then pushing my hair back into place and got into my suit.  
I grabbed my briefcase along with the files of my desk, putting Jay’s on top running my fingers along the creases of the cover.  
Harry was passed out on the sofa and the ash tray was full of ash and what seemed like joint ends and cigarette buts, giving me the opportunity to slip out silently.  
I reached my car undisturbed and slung my bag into passenger foot well and drove away quickly and headed straight for the institute.  
Luckily there was hardly any traffic and i sped right through heading towards the hell trap, it must have been awful living in there especially with the staff.  
I parked up in the same spot as last time and grabbed his file and slammed the door locking it behind me, i followed in a crowd of people some of which were crying and cuddling into each other, and then there was me, solitary and showing no emotion but my mind exploring so much more.  
I come face to face with the woman from yesterday that showed me a very sarcastic smirk before unlocking the gate before leading me to the same room, the same glass that stood between us.  
I laid out his file as i waited for him, i started to drum my fingers on the desk as i heard a grunt from the other side, he sat there like before, his shoulders broad and pushed back as he lifted his head and neck high.  
The officer sat in the corner on his side and sat and watched him her eyes never leaving him, even if he moved she flinched which agitated him even more, to the point it annoyed me.  
“Good morning Jay” I said smiling, he raises his eyebrows slightly as a sign of hello i hoped.  
“Now, i’m going to ask you a few questions, is that alright?” I said pulling out one of his many sheets from the file.  
I gained no response just the same blank look, them eyes sending mixed messages was is it a cry for help? Or a warning for me to back off?  
“What happened on the night of the 23rd of November 2011?” I asked leaning foreword.  
His eyes flickered like he was contemplating of replying, his lips trembled and grazed his teeth, he looked at me desperately, them deep blue eyes filling up.  
“Jay?” I asked raising an eyebrow, he trembled causing the guard to move foreword he flinched back and took her off guard as she stepped back into the corner.  
He took a deep breath and sighed “I killed them” He muttered staring at me, i scribbled it down in my note pad and looked at him again.  
“May i ask why?” I asked and he shook his head  
“I can’t tell you because i don’t know why” He said causing the officer to chuckle.  
“Do you care to tell me what is so funny?” I spat giving her a look in which to tell her to shut up.  
Jay just started at me with the same expression, that same expression where is eyes screamed at me with deep remorse and pain.  
I looked to his hands which were covered in cuts again, bloody cuts that seemed intentionally there, but he had so many scars inside much more emotional that physical.  
I shut his folder and sighed as stared at him once more, how long ago was it when he last saw a summer night? Or a winters day? When was the last time he smiled with true happiness? No one knew because his smile was lost amongst his scars along with the murders that lay on his conscience forever.  
I stood up and stared to the officer.  
“I’ll be back tomorrow for a longer session” I said mainly to Jay who stared at me again the only way of his communication.  
I picked up my stuff and left quickly not explaining to the guard what i thought because i truly didn’t know, i didn’t know what to even expect of tomorrow but today he seemed more weak, like thin glass about to shatter to a million pieces and i felt like i was his only true supporter as everyone else would prefer him locked away and ill treated.  
I got back into my car and put my head into my hands and breathed heavily seeing someone like that was horrible behind glass like an animal at the zoo, being laughed at for the way he came across and ill treated for his mistakes.  
Shouldn’t the blood that stained his hands be enough? Or am i the only one that sees the pain in this man?  
Them scars on his hands paint his life like a clear picture, he looks to me like a saviour and i feel as though i have the dominion to do so but how is another question. How can i save the man that cannot save himself?


	4. The alcoholic' story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another client walks into Nathan' office causing a stir in his mind leaving him to make some sudden decisions about his day.  
> Harry reminisces about old friends and Louis finds himself swooning.

After that visit i definitely felt guilty for leaving, his face stayed in my mind for the rest of the car journey.  
I can’t compare my feelings to his, i know nothing of his story only what was printed in black and white so how can I even imagine what he is experiencing right now.  
I pulled up outside my office, and locked the door taking Jay’s folder with me, i called for the elevator and tapped my foot anxiously before walking in the busy cramped space, I hated small, confined spaces especially when the majority of people smelt of cigarettes.  
Finally my floor arrived as i stepped out, i heard Louis chatting away probably on the phone, but when i turned the corner i saw Harry leaning up against Louis desk as Louis stared at him in awe.  
“Not interrupting anything am i?” I said walking towards them to snap them out of conversation  
“Alright Nath” Harry said as Louis got up to put the kettle on  
“I’d rather you not “chat up” my assistant” I said  
“Well” He chuckled” It’s pretty hard not too when he’s draping himself over me? Come on look at him!” Harry said pointing towards Louis who was bent down, his arse prominent as i saw Harry bite his lip  
“Well whilst you’re fucking my assistant I’ve got better things to be doing”  
“Not fucking him yet”  
“I’d rather not know when you’re going too”  
“Pretty soon i hope”  
“Enough Harry”  
Louis brought back 3 cups of tea and placed them on his deck before handing me two files for today.  
“Sadly its two early twenties men, one of which suffering from alcohol addiction, the other an ex drug dealer who’s been caught doing a few things here and there” Louis said sighing  
“Define “Here and There” I said  
“He sold weed to me actually” Harry contributed “In fact i just saw him last week he helped when that guy stole mine, i was meant to be going for a drink with him later he truly is a smashing guy”  
“Some how i knew that you two would know each other” I said walking into my office chucking the folders on my desk, slouching in my chair.  
Jay’s expression filled my thoughts again as i evaluated every single detail over him, the loose ragged curl that feel slightly onto his forehead the ones that made me smile and feel some what hopeful for more consideration towards him.  
But then the scars appeared covering everything that had him involved, it makes me think about how much he could of seen, how many people was killed by his hand and why, although i lacked half of that information but only he knew but didn’t care to share.  
The irony is that he’s locked away all the memories, maybe that’s what makes him murder? But now he’s locked away much like them, distraught memories of torture of which now he experiences again.  
I snapped out of my thought and shut my eyes, why was i obsessing over a serial killer? Someone that terrified thousands of people and i give him sympathy? That’s the part that didn’t get at all, the fragment in my brain that i failed to reach too.  
I flicked through the remaining two files and scowled as i saw the same old story plastered on this sheet of paper. Why they must waste my time i don’t know but i guess that’s what i get paid for listening to low lifes jabbering on about their drug adventures which too be honest didn’t interest me in the slightest.  
Harry stumbled into my office his shirt hanging off his shoulders, Louis giggling filled the office as Harry fixed his shirt and shut the door.  
“If you’re going to fuck Louis right now don’t do it here i have clients and i don’t intend on hearing it” I grumbled as he sat down opposite me.  
“Well where am i meant to sleep with him?”  
“Have you ever thought about his flat because he’s definitely not fucking you in ours or should i say my apartment”  
“I live there so surely i should be allowed to bring him back it’s not like he’s a stranger”  
“He works for me that’s the problem”  
“You’ve got a hot assistant, who could definitely assist my needs”  
“That is awful and vile”  
“At least i’m getting some unlike you who seems to be spending more time at the crazy house”  
“He’s a client i must visit there”  
“You hate your job so why are you bothering?”  
“Because i don’t want to end up a druggie like you, i actually want to be able to pay the bills and have a roof to sleep under”  
“What is he like then this crazy man?”  
My actual description of him would definitely freak him out only because of the big words that i would use, he wouldn’t even grasp the fact about him it was pointless to tell him.  
“Alright ignore me then, by the way I’m taking Louis with me” He said slamming the door before i could even argue against it.  
There was a heavy knock at the door causing me to jump out of my skin  
“come in!” I shouted before wheeling out from my desk and standing up.  
A man much smaller than me but much bigger build stood in front of me smiling and shook my hand slightly.  
“Good afternoon...” I said not knowing which patient was which as they were both new cases.  
“Max...George” He said sitting down on the couch  
“Nice to meet you Max, now what can i do for you?”  
“Well I’ve been sent here by my support group because apparently you’re good at listening and helping” great just what i need another sob story  
“Support group? Oh i see you use to be an alcoholic”  
“Yes, but I’ve been clean for about a year now”  
“Congratulations, so i’m going to ask a few questions just so i know how i can help you”  
“Sure go for it”  
“What caused your regular drinking, it says here you use to drink at least two bottles of wine each day and on bad days it was even three?”  
“That’s correct yeah, um i guess it was the death of my girlfriend that caused it”  
“Oh i’m so sorry for your loss may i ask how she died?”  
“She was murdered... by just a random stranger on the street”  
“Oh...right did they ever catch the culprit?”  
“Yeah they did but he only just got locked up, turns out he’s mental”  
Could it be Jay? It seemed possible yet was it too much of a coincidence.  
“Really? Well at least he’s locked away now”  
“Do you know the police haven’t even got a reason because all he does is just sit there and stare at people after everything he has done, he just doesn’t do anything”  
“What situation at home are you in now?” I didn’t want to continue this subject as all i could see was Jay being the murderer.  
“Living with a few mates of mine”  
“Do they drink?”  
“Two very heavily the other one not so much”  
I hesitated to refrain from the multiple questions about the killer, it must of been Jay.  
“Come see me next week and we’ll keep doing weekly updates, if you need anything here’s my office number and my pager”  
“Thankyou Nathan”  
He shut the door behind him and i ran to my desk with his folder, and flicked through the dates he had on his file.  
“23rd of November 2011” I croaked, it must have been Jay; the same date and year and now the killer was locked up.  
I shook my head and continued to read through Max’s file, hoping to discover some more information about his girlfriend.  
Maybe i could ask Jay tomorrow? But wouldn’t that send him into more pain knowing what he has caused?  
I shut the folder and sighed and saw that i had one other client today, but other matters needed to be attended too.  
Them matters being Jay, I had to see him and get answers.  
The answers that no one knew besides the flickers in Jay’s brain.  
I cancelled my client and postponed him till tomorrow; i didn’t have the mentality strength to even cope with another drug story... i had enough of them from Harry.  
I ran past Louis’ abandoned desk and didn’t even bother with the lift; i sprinted down them stairs and headed straight for the car with both files in my hand.  
I swung out into on going traffic earning insignificant hand gestures as well as screamed cuss words.  
I drove towards the hell hole that towered over the city, it had so many windows and resembled something you would read about in a children’s horror book.  
I pulled up once again but stopped carefully to figure out my strategies, if i went in there asking him why he killed her, he wouldn’t reply; just stare blankly.  
But if i was to start the subject of say the outside world that should surely brighten his day as well as his mind, giving me some opportunity to pull out the reasons.  
It’s pretty hard defending him when the world is against him; i guess you could say it’s me and him against the world.  
But only i know it.


	5. Breaking the glass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nathan reaches the bottom of the 23rd of November and builds more bridges with Jay growing more and more attached.

I lifted my head up as i walked through the door and looked towards the receptionist and the guard that has been pestering me every time i was here.  
“Didn’t think you would come back” She grunted  
“I’d like to see Jay”  
She sighed and unlocked the gate as we followed the same routine, i planned staying for longer maybe even the rest of the day just to see him and to get some answer; maybe to relieve some what of his pain.  
I sat down facing his chair on the other side not wanting to miss him, as i full intended on staying.  
He walked in stared at me stopping in his tracks, i stood up realising he wasn’t much taller than me.  
“Does he have to stay behind that glass?” I asked looking towards the officer.  
“Unless, you’re brave enough then we can move you to his cell but i have to be there”  
I nodded as Jay got taken back into his cell, but his eyes never left mine as the door opened and i entered.  
His cell must have been half the size of a normal room, only having a bed, toilet and sink as well as one window which looked out to shore.  
No blinds or curtains meant that the sun shone through lighting the whole room in place of the lights that should have really been there.  
I sat down opposite him on the other of the bed and opened his file, i could feel the springs as i sat down and it certainly wasn’t comfortable. I looked up as the guard leant up against the wall right by us.  
I suddenly shut his folder and put it on the floor by me releasing i was here for more social reasons that medical.  
“How are you feeling today?” I asked smiling  
He looked to the guard and hesitated shuffling in his place, i stared at him with slight encouragement.  
“Okay” He muttered “You?”  
I nodded before looking to the window hoping to instigate more conversation.  
“It looks nice out there but i can tell you now its quite cold” I said causing him to borrow his eyebrows.  
“Really?” He replied looking out the window  
“Yep...mostly everywhere is covered in ice”  
“I can’t remember the last time i saw ice”  
“I can tell you that it hasn’t changed really”  
His laughter filled the cell causing me to smile, it was a beautiful sound not one of those laughs that irritated you after a while, that sound you could sit and listen too and never ever stop.  
“Why did you come back?” He asked suddenly shuffling himself around to face me  
“Well...my assistant run off with my brother for the afternoon and i really didn’t want to listen to an ex druggie talk about him and my brother about how they use to blaze it behind a bush in central park” I said laughing slightly  
He smiled but was it for real or fake because of the guard? Was that the first time he smiled in years? How long was it? The questions that filled my mind but couldn’t ask.  
“How do they treat you in here?” I asked  
“Shit” He spat looking to the officer who stared him out  
“Is society still the same?” He added catching me of guard, what did he mean?   
“It depends how society was before?”  
“Judgemental and cruel”  
“Then i guess so yes”  
He shook his head and hung it in slight shame.  
“Why do you think they we’re judgemental and cruel”  
He flinched up staring at me with them profound eyes again before tensing his shoulders.  
“They don’t understand what they’re words are doing to people” He whispered his eyes maintaining a clear view with mine.  
I looked through his folder and sighed before asking him the questions i lacked answers.  
“That night Jay...in November...did you know her?”  
He looked towards me and nodded slightly  
“She...went to my school...she...she was one of them”  
“One of who?”  
“The people that made me what i am today”  
It all fitted together all so suddenly, Max’s girlfriend was one of the bullies that sent Jay into depression, one of the reasons for his intentions.  
“I’ll be back tomorrow okay? Get some rest” I said as i saw tears fall out of his eyes, i looked to his hands to see more scars around the faded ones.  
I stood up with my belongings and left quickly but was stopped when the officer pulled me back.  
“That’s the first time he’s ever had a conversation with someone since he got here” She whispered  
I looked the floor then to her  
“Can i be by myself with him tomorrow? You can stand outside but it just makes it difficult for progression”  
Her eyes widened but then smiled weakly  
“I guess so yeah, he seems comfortable but the first sign of anything i’m in there” She said opening the gate “Thankyou, Mr.Sykes”  
“No, thankyou”  
I walked out and reached my car before pulling out my notepad.  
I drew a line down the a4 page and wrote today’s date next to the top of it and scribbled “Opened up about bullies and 23rd of November”  
If i keep a timeline or some record of him, i could show him how much he has developed and maybe reach the bottom of his suffering and figure how to go from there.  
I sighed before packing up my books and shoving them into my bag, it was almost sunset and i should really head home.  
I didn’t know what state i would find my flat in...or should i say my assistant?


	6. Disturbing images.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry and Louis gives an image to Nathan that burns his eyes and will unfortunately haunt him for quite a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is a short one, I've had quite a lot of revision to be doing but now I'm off for christmas so I'll be uploading more often hopefully.  
> Not much beta on this one so sorry for any mistakes.

By the time i got home it was pitch black and all the street lamps were on outside my flat.  
I saw that the living room lights were on but the curtains were drawn, making me consider if i should really enter but i guess i had no choice, i had to rest and determine my next move with Jay.  
I made my way up to the apartment and made quite a loud noise with my key in the lock just to give them some warning if they were even there.  
I walked in and just the lights were on; no signs of Harry or Louis either.  
I slammed the door just in case they were hopefully in his room and not anywhere else that i would have to go in the next day or two.  
I hung up my stuff and flicked the kettle on before heading for the bathroom to get washed up.  
After washing my hands and face i realised that there were hardly any towels suitable to dry myself, unfortunately this meant going into Harry’s room as that is where the laundry cupboard is.  
I sighed, thankfully enough he wasn’t home so i wouldn’t have any difficulty besides maybe breathing in his room.  
I swung the door open and took two steps foreword before feeling my eyes were about to burn as i saw my brother mounting my assistant  
“SHIT” I screamed before running out and slamming the door, i felt sick in some way mostly embarrassed but i guess sick to my stomach to see my assistants firm butt against my brother’s pelvis.  
I shuddered to get the thought out my head and put on the stereo to drown out they’re screams, I’d been gone for hours so they had so much time to do as much as they want.   
I went into my study however to go over a few more details to ask Jay; i decided that with my study being at the other end of the corridor, i wouldn’t hear anything in decent.  
I flicked through his folder and sighed, and typed my analysis from today.  
I had to answer many questions about him to report back to his doctor for a proper diagnosis of his “issues” if you were to call it that.  
How did he feel today? – Sad, the same old emotions that he had been feeling for years; regret and pain, mostly pain.  
Any improvements?- Define improvements? He spoke some what of one of the killings, turns out it was an old ember from the past; a bad one to be precise.  
Weakness?-His mind is his weakness, the thoughts that are trapped inside.  
Approach towards you?- Not harmful in any way, just mega pissed about the size of his cell so come across awkward.  
Anything else?- Needs respect and to stopped being laughed at, also needs some support. As well as regular updates of the outside world – lifts spirits.

I sent in my analysis to his doctor and pushed away from my computer, considering that this was my true opinion of him; just changed slightly and less expressed otherwise i would loose my job meaning that he would have no saviour at all. I couldn’t have that on my conscience.  
I run my fingers along the entire desk draw before yanking it open and seeing the stained pill bottle lie there.  
2 years it had been, 2 years since i last touched them, they controlled my life and made me normal like everyone else but they ruined my days, all i wanted was to feel normal but them pills drove me nuts i wasn’t myself at all so i stopped them but they had vicious affected of my mentality, but it had died down slightly i think, no one had made a comment.  
I pushed it shut and rubbed my eyes, no one knew about my problems well at least i think they didn’t, no one ever mentioned it.  
I heard giggles in the hallway and the door slamming shut, i decided that it was probably safe now and walked out the door but to just see Harry sitting on one of the breakfast bar stools in nothing but his underwear.  
“Louis has gone” He said pulling a banana off the branch  
“What the hell was that”  
“Didn’t you see clearly enough”  
“Why do you feel the need to fuck my assistant?”  
“Have you seen him!?”  
“Obviously i have but i will never see him the way you do”  
“I’ve seen more than you and i can tell you now, he’s definitely got a-“  
“Please don’t continue that sentence whilst eating a banana, i don’t need a re-enactment”  
“Your loss”  
“I highly doubt I’ve lost anything”  
Harry walked off back into his room where I’d hope he would stay for the rest of the night, I’d be having to face Louis tomorrow in some irregular state which I’d never though i would see him in.  
I slouched off to my bedroom and sighed before realising it was quite late.  
I needed rest for tomorrow, i was alone with him tomorrow and hoped to break some sort of boundary that stood between us, like the glass being a metaphor for the barriers that he has down permanently.  
Them barriers will be broken tomorrow; hopefully


	7. Breaking Boundaries

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nathan's happiness is finally returned when his visit with Jay takes a shocking turn after learning more and more about what Jay' mind contains

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yoooo, sorry about this being so late i've had so much coursework,homework and exams lately so its been hard to update but here is chapter 7.  
> I'd also like to thank the people that have continue to read on despite my almost month of silence as i know how annoying that can be.  
> Anyway, no beta on this chapter as i have a billion things to do :(  
> Feel free to message me on tumblr;-  
> Nath-sykes-me-up

This day felt familiar, my days seemed repetitive but i looked foreword to my job now each day, each time i saw him it gave me that hope back that i lost 2 years ago, what my mind took away.  
The mind is more controlling than any other human being and to think that is terrifying.  
It holds the worst and best secrets, some people in which can’t take the power and end their lives to only leave a chain reaction of their pain left behind.  
I rolled out of bed and did my daily routine, my mind frantic about many things, i did everything so much quickly today, i even missed breakfast so i grabbed a chocolate bar in case i got really hungry but I’d have to get something before the office but after Jay.  
I held light conversation with Harry before quickly leaving and dashing through the roads.  
I stopped at a near by traffic light and saw a man with a full bin bag and a sleeping bag, i watched him beg for only the slightest bit of change, only a small amount could make his day yet no one even stops, i couldn’t pull over to help him due to the full lane of cars next to me.  
Jay would be disappointed with society if he saw the world now, in many ways I’m glad that he hasn’t seen the world to this day.  
No one was about, no families crying on eachother shoulders nothing just a clear path to the door.  
I walked through and the reception had the same image; no people at all only the guard that assists me everyday.  
“You really want to do this?” She asked raising her eyebrow.  
I said nothing, i just nodded and walked through the security gate as she unlocked Jay’s cell.  
He lay still on his bed and moved his head slightly as i sat down on a chair that had been placed for me probably, the guard shut the door causing him to jump.  
I said nothing for a few minutes, i suddenly heard a rumble coming from him causing me to stand up.  
“Don’t worry...i’m just hungry” He said turning over facing me, i sat down in my seat and rummaged through my pockets.  
“Here” I said handing him the chocolate bar he needed more than me after all  
He hesitated and took it quickly unwrapping it quietly before shoving it into his mouth, a light smirk occurred across his face and his eyes glistened.  
“2 years” He said causing me to raise my eyebrow in confusion  
“Since i had a piece of chocolate bar” He said  
“You remember the last time you had a chocolate bar?” I said astonished i couldn’t even remember what i had for dinner a week ago let alone 2 years.  
“I remember everything” He said turning to face me more “every single detail of everyone and the situations i get put in”   
If he remembers everything then why have i got written down about memory confusion? If he remembers every bit of suffering struck upon him then surely he should remember a few details.  
“Name a situation then” I said folding my arms across my chest  
“31st of December 2004” He begun “I spent it sleeping under the stars outside on the street, as my mum decided she had enough of me around.  
She kicked me out on new years eve at 15 years old and i barely knew how to even cook a can of beans let alone defend for myself”  
I nodded and dropped my note pad and pen feeling that if i was to take notes it would seem disrespectful.  
“I got in the wrong crowd Nath; oh i’m sorry Nathan” He said  
“No it’s fine, Nath is fine” I smiled causing me to reflect it back  
“You’re actually the first person who can hold a decent conversation that i’ve spoken to in a long while”  
“Really?”  
“Yeah, i get treated horrendous in here but then again i guess i deserve it considering that blood that stains my hands is now prominent for everyone to see”  
“Would you ever want to get out of here?”  
“Yes and No, yes because of the obvious reasons but no as the world seems like an awful place now where people like me don’t belong”  
“But the world treated you unfairly?, like your mum kicking you out at age 15 the people that triggered you to commit crimes”  
“The crowd that i was in was known for vicious crimes and murders, i had never murder anyone until 2011 when i had too”  
“You had too?”  
“The girl had stolen something from my friend...bearing in mind he was my only friend...and practically my first; i was always the odd one out at school, the one that didn’t want to play football and “chat up” girls. I always much preferred to sit the back of the library and read the encyclopedia, in which then i was bullied for being top of the class”  
“How did you respond to the bullying”  
“I kept reading and reading but then when my teenage years hit me i realised that i was alone that not even my own mother loved me for who i was, that’s what turned me to the gang which eventually lead to murder”  
“What sort of perception do you have the situation now?”  
“It’s in my mind now, it’s stuck and it can never leave. It’s hard living with such guilt caused by society”  
“I want to get you out of here Jay” I said finally causing his eyes to widen  
“Why...why me?” he said sitting foreword more as i sat on his bed next to him  
“Because you’re mind is too good for in here, you see murders that are evil and foul and spit on the graves that they made, you aren’t like that Jay, you’re name? Do you know what it means? It means victory and victory you shall have”  
“Why do you care, i’m just another one of your patients, you’re here because i’m mentally ill”  
“You’re not just some client Jay, you mean much more to me” I said pushing a curl out of his face from his cheek  
“I need your help Nathan”  
“And i need yours”  
His blue eyes locked with mine as he leant foreword and brushed his lips against my cheek, his curls tickling my nose.  
I smiled slightly as i looked to face him before pressing my lips slightly against his.  
“Does it say anywhere that you’re not allowed to kiss your patients?” He whispered  
“Rules are meant to be broken” I replied before kissing him once again.  
A feeling that i hadn’t felt in ages suddenly rocketed through me, i felt happiness in that moment which is something i could get use too.


	8. Poisoned Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a revelation with Jay, Nathan is left feeling out of sorts as past memories creep up on him in desperation of trying to help Jay seek closure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short one but i hope it's alright, thankyou to everyone who left kudos and hits by the way! much appreciated!

That session went by pretty quick. Unfortunately.  
After Jay’ lips left mine i rushed out quickly in pure and utter shock probably leaving him in despair or some what confusion.  
However it made sense, for many years i hadn’t been seeking the comfort of a woman well of anyone for that matter, mostly because the pills made me weak. Mentally. The main reason why i stopped taking them.  
No one knew about me withdrawing my medication, Harry never questions it as i’m the main reason for his drug addiction.  
Louis knows, but doesn’t hesitate to mention anything.  
But the only person that i would confined in knows nothing, all he knows is what is happening ins ide his cell actually, cell isn’t the appropriate word to use. Box actually fits it quite well.  
Being his psychologist, i could offer advice on Jay’ well being. He may of been a murder but human rights still come into play.  
I sat in my car drumming my fingers on the steering wheel, as i watched the commuters travel back home, it was quite late meaning Louis was probably wondering where i was, however i couldn’t deal with his constant chit chat about how hot my brother is.  
I pulled up at home but sat in the car for a while looking through Jay’ folder running my fingers along the page edges.  
Many crimes were left un answered due to his mental state but somewhere in that mind sat answers to everything.  
He trusted me so maybe the answers were to flow easy.  
I proceeded into the flat to find Harry not there, too be honest i was glad. I needed to be alone and to think things through.  
I pulled out many law and psychology books about how mental health patients can sometimes be allowed leave if their officer and psychologist agrees.  
I could take Jay to my office and see what he’s like there? Or maybe it was just an excuse to be alone and to feel his touch again.  
Either way i was happy about seeing him, well if he wants to see me after what happened. I pulled out my old address book full of contacts and clients to hopefully gain access to him, i sat there for hours trying to slightly avoid the subject of kissing him or having any sort of affection which unfortunately was difficult because “i think that he should see the outside world” isn’t a valid excuse.  
I slammed my phone down after the 3rd attempt and rubbed my eyes with the palms of my hands, i guess it wasn’t the right time for Jay to come out and see the world in his own eyes.  
There is the problem though, his vision is shattered like broken glass meaning he cannot see clearly. He will see the world and feel distraught with all the violence, innocent bombings and just the suffering that surrounds him.   
I can’t think of how he would feel, and i didn’t know if i can be held responsible for his emotions.  
I looked to the time and saw it was quite late, 10:03pm to be exact, i wonder what he’s doing right now, is he lying down staring up at his chipped paint work ceiling? Is he asleep dreaming of a world of tranquillity?, ah there we go again, my true friend shining through me once more; Paranoia. I never understood the true feeling of affection towards someone, but to me it’s outlandish that i care more for him then i do myself.  
I wouldn’t care if i died tomorrow but if he was to die, emptiness would be left. Bereavement is weird, i remember a contact of mine died suddenly and everyone was crying at the funeral excluding me however. I felt numb so to speak and in the same way that is how i felt everyday. Is that what the prescription was for? To take away the numbness? But the tablets made me different... I wasn’t myself and certainly someone that isn’t a great aspect to society.  
I tapped my fingers along the locked draw; the draw to my past. Some may find it peculiar that i say that i locked my depression away in the draw, but i see the draw as apart of my mind palace. I have to put away my past memories to make new ones otherwise i forget everything, which isn’t good or useful at all is it?  
My depression consumed me, like i swallowed by this massive bubble full of rain and clouds. I was told that the pills would work but they made me worse, that made me weak and unstable.  
That is why Harry came back. He had been in America for many years and was in the last year at college over there but my illness ruined him. That is why he relies on drugs to make him happier so that he can support me. He is only 19 and he’s been forced to do so much, look after his older brother and to quit college which didn’t make our parents pleased.  
If i was to offer any advise to anyone suffering, is that i would talk to someone you trust, doctors and nurses have only just met you yet they know what should make you better, but family and friends are better, i guess you could say Jay was my friend as he knows what it is like.  
That’s why i wanted him out of that prison. I wanted him for support just like what Harry gave me because that is all you need.  
And Jay needs that most of all.  
Support.


	9. Things that need to be abolished

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Actions speak louder than words, as Jay faces an awful consequence due to his actions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Couldn't resist another update! Hope its alright.

I didn’t feel exactly right coming back to the jail, only because of how i left the time before which may raise suspicion.  
None the less, i headed through the reception to find no one there, the gate was unlocked and the door through to Jay’s cell was open.  
I took the liberty of just walking in considering everyone knew who i was and wasn’t bringing any harm or risk to anyone.  
The prison officer stood at Jay’ cell door arms folded with a stern look occupying her face.  
“Do you care to tell me what’s going on?” I asked raising my eyebrow  
“Jay is a risk towards you sir” She said shortly  
“A risk..? Only yesterday i was here by myself with him, so how am i at a risk?”  
“He destroyed his cell just after you left”  
“Define destroyed as everyone in your area of work seems to sugar coat everything”  
“Up in a blaze, everything burned to nothing, that is the last time we let him smoke”  
“Where is he now?”  
“Unfortunately we can’t tell you”  
“I’m his psychologist, i think i deserve the right to know where he is”  
“It is prison law sir”  
“What? It’s prison law to stop someone caring for someone in here!? Because lets face it! Majority of these people in here have no one. No body cares about them and suddenly forgets that they have human rights just because they fucked up a few times, No body is perfect for god sake! So congratulations. Kick Jay whilst he’s down! I’m sure he needs that right now”  
She stared at me blank in the face with widen eyes after a minute or so she sighed and shook her head before whispering.  
“it’ s prison law that prisoners...get punished after they do something destructive”  
“...Punished? Surely they are punished enough being in this shit hole, even a serial killer doesn’t deserve these conditions”  
“By punished i mean...a law that hasn’t been abolished in this state”  
“What are they doing to him.”  
“You can’t go storming in there I’m afraid”  
“You tell me where he is, otherwise i’ll be suing you for everything you’ve got”  
“Punishing a serial killer is a common occurrence...No lawyer is gonna’ wanna be involved in this shit”  
“Where.Is.Jay” I was beyond the edge of fuming with anger by now, but i couldn’t help be sick with worry, he had been hurt to many times...the scars that occupy his hands are clear as day that he has felt pain and still does.  
“He’ll be out in 5 minutes in a new cell...you can see him then”  
I froze as i saw another officer come out of the heavy black door signalling to the warden  
“Or now” She said as two other wardens come out with Jay around there shoulders. They had shaved his gorgeous curls away leaving him with just a short frizz left on his head. He looked exhausted as i got closer; I noticed his veins were prominent through his blemished skin.  
He looked like he had gotten an electric shock through him.  
Then it hit me, they had shocked him...the punishment that hadn’t been abolished was the electric chair. Most prisoners have the choice between a lethal injection or the chair but judging by the smirk on the officers’ faces, Jay didn’t get that choice.  
They laid him down of the bed and just left him hurting even more. I sat down on the wooden chair as they slammed the door shut. I sat there in silence staring at him. He was breathing erratically as well as shaking.  
His eyes flashed open and met mine, he probably didn’t realise that i saw him at first; he was still shaking and was going flushed in the face.  
He brought his hands up to his heart and let out a yelp biting his lip  
“Nath...Help me” He gasped as vomited on the floor still shaking.  
I screamed for the warden and they came bursting in equipped with guns, probably thought Jay went violent. But they soon dropped their weapons as one of them called an ambulance whilst the other put him into a recovery position. He was shaking more than anything and he was clutching his arm as well as his heart.  
He was in pain once again due to society...and i just stood there letting it happen.

 

Hours passed as i sat in the waiting room of the hospital. These places freaked me out considering i was in here on several occasions but none like these.  
Jay had a heart attack. Too much electricity ran through his veins and his body couldn’t cope even though the ambulance came quite quickly.  
He was rushed into theatre as soon as they got him through the hospital doors. Something about calming him down or what not, i knew nothing considering i wasn’t a doctor.  
I was told that he would likely been in a coma for a week or so due to the shock. I was also classed as his next of kin considering i’m the only one that cared to stay.  
Clock watching is a bad habit of mine it made time go slower which in the case wasn’t good.  
I was worried sick and scared but this gave me more hope to get him out of that pit. Maybe the doctor could tell the wardens that they refuse for him to be there and to be on probation at some ward anything but there.  
One of the wardens told me Jay had a trial for his latest conviction in two weeks and his solicitor had yet to get any plee out of him. I guess that was my next task after he wakes up.

One more hour passed before i was told anything, they were correct about the coma but they said he was stable and maybe could recover quicker. They allowed me to see him when ever i want.  
I sat beside him all night watching him as the machines bleeped around us. He was safe but he was trapped inside his mind dreaming of whatever rolled into his head. Jay had served time for his other murders so if he was to pled not guilty at his trail and he was to be found that the surely he would be a free man?  
I was tired in fact that was the under statement of the year. But i couldn’t leave him here by himself so i texted Harry quickly telling him i got held up and not to wait up for me or call the police or even trash the flat in my absence.  
Jay seemed so pure inside but did he really murder once again? He hated the pain so why would he cause someone else it? Question to be answered yet again.   
But for the mean time i was to lay by his side until i see his pure blue eyes again.  
His smile however probably un able to return.


	10. Awakening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nathan begins to think about the trial in two weeks time as well as the possible outcomes but is joined by an unexpected visitor. Could everything be lost in just two weeks?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've planned the ending to this and i well and truly hope it works. If it does i'm planning on a sequel. I can't release to much due to it revealing the plot for this but i will think of more soon.
> 
> Thankyou to everyone thats reading my fic and reviewing it as well as leaving your appreciation.

Days passed and things with Jay hadn’t changed even though doctors still bet that he would wake up by the end of the week.  
Today was Thursday and he should no signs of improvement, he was still wired up to the machines that still helped him breathe and to me he was still locked into his thoughts which probably scared him even more.  
I had Louis running things back at the office meaning that majority of my clients were ringing me up asking what had happened and when will they be able to see me next.  
Truth is i don’t know when because my job at the moment was to nurse Jay back to health ready for his trial so that he could walk away free. I hoped for that anyway.  
Harry came to visit me a few times whilst i was at the hospital and tried to pry me away from Jay’ side. He didn’t understand what i was feeling all he wanted to do was get his brother back.   
I knew what he was worried about, he was worried that i would return back to my depression due to Jay being like this and that’s the last thing he wanted considering that tore us apart inside and out. He wasn’t acting the same in some ways he seemed guilty. Guilty for the fact that he couldn’t do anything; his clothes smelling of marijuana the next time i saw him supported this idea.  
There is not much you can do at somebody’ bed side whilst their in a coma because it’s not like the room is full of charisma or life really and when you’re a serial killer, you’re most likely to have not many friends or none at all. I took this time to my advantage by reading up about Jay’ latest murder. The one in which he was going to be trialled over in the next two weeks or so. Apparently he had stalked this woman and then stabbed her down a dark alley way whilst she walked home from work on a Friday night. The evidence was some bystander that saw him running from the direction of the murder.  
This case stood out most all only because of how it was done.   
When Jay committed murders in the past it was done instantly and not down a busy high street where anyone could see. He wasn’t stupid enough for someone to see him especially after his other murders.  
The police managed to trace no links between them both so just called it a random murder and blamed it on his mental strength.  
To me that was not right, there was no solid proof that Jay had done it so why were people assuming that he did it again? Well i know why of course because of the other four people he had murder but still, i’m guessing people had never heard of reform or reconciliation.  
I stepped outside his room for a second and made a few phone calls; one of which was to meet with Jay’ solicitor, the other; the detective on this case as it hadn’t been closed and won’t be until the trail is over in two weeks.  
They said they’ll get back to me but for now i was just to sit around a wait.  
Nurses kept flying in and out checking on Jay adjusting his wires and what not apparently making improvements each hour but i didn’t believe that bullshit. Nurses are trained to bullshit and make everything seem so happy you always see it on TV, someone could be dying and they’ll turn round and be like “well they made improvements right”.  
To me this whole place was bullshit only because i hated it, i hated the people inside it besides Jay and i hated the way they make people suffer emotionally by dragging everything out and not cutting to the chase.  
If i was to ask a doctor or nurse the true extent of the electric shocks that conversation would consist of putting off the truth from me as they know i won’t like it.  
In some ways yes, i’m glad they do that but at the same time I’d rather not be lied to about someone who i care about.  
I was to busy muttering profanities to myself that i didn’t notice Harry walking in looking at Jay.  
“Can i help you” I said standing up as i was slightly confused about Harry’ content towards Jay  
“Just seeing if you were both okay”  
“Well no, one of us is in a coma in case you haven’t noticed and i’m ripping my hair out for his trial in two weeks”  
“Trial?”  
“For his latest murder apparently he killed some woman down an alley way after stalking her for several days”  
“Who was she?”  
“How am i meant to know?”  
“You have his file”  
“I don’t need to know her name considering he didn’t kill her”  
“You don’t know that Nath...”  
“I believe that he learnt from his past and wouldn’t dare do it again”  
“You can’t just go around saying that without proof”  
“I just know he wouldn’t do it”  
“Surely he would of said that he wasn’t guilty? It means he would of spent the rest of his life in prison? Possibly death row due to the state the crime was committed in...In fact why hasn’t that been an option before since he has murdered other people?”  
“It depends on the state the crime was committed in, yes because we’re in the state of Alabama so he would be put on the death penalty, but his other crimes were committed in other states such as Michigan, Rhode Island and others”  
“So maybe you shouldn’t get so attached to him? Since there is a chance”  
“If people were to live their lives like the people they care about we’re about to die then nothing would get done”  
“He’s up against a murder charge Nath...not many people get out of that sort of thing”  
“I’m not letting an innocent man get killed”  
“People already have been due to him and yet your helping him get better and fighting his case? Have you lost your mind?”  
“Is that some sort of a joke is it?”  
“No but this whole thing is! You are helping him. Nath he is a murder you wouldn’t be helping him if he murdered someone close to you”  
“Why are you suddenly caring about my clients and who i choose to help considering for the past 2 years? you’ve been getting high majority of the weeks and sleeping with my assistant”  
“Have you been sleeping with Jay? No because everytime you see him, he’s locked up and you can’t do anything”  
“Oh yeah that’s not what i thought just a few days ago!” I spat causing the room to fall silent. Harry stood staring at me with wide eyes.  
“He isn’t just some client to you is he?”  
I looked up to him and shook my head; i was being honest with him but more myself. To me Jay was different than anyone else I’ve ever met, he made mistakes; big ones in fact but still saw the world in a different eyes to everyone else and that for a matter of fact fascinated me. Him as a whole fascinated me.  
“You love him?” Harry asked  
“I haven’t known him long enough so i guess not...but i care for him more than anyone I’ve ever encountered”  
Harry sat down and put his head in his hands  
“What happens if he’s not guilty? What would you do?”  
“I’d take care of him even more...he doesn’t have a home or anyone to rely on besides me”  
“I’ll come with you to the trail”  
“Why would you want to do that?”  
“Because you don’t seem to see that things don’t always go your way and i’m not letting you face that alone”  
“Thanks so much for the support Har-“  
I was cut off as I heard movement coming from where Jay lay. I shot up and ran over to him. There he was, them big blue eyes staring at me unaware of everything that had happened. One week it had been since i last saw those eyes. He looked towards all the tubes that came out of him and his eyes fell. By now nurses had come running in to make sure he was okay. I knew he was going to be okay but we both knew that in two weeks could be a new beginning or a fatal end.


	11. Decisions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jay' solicitor finally makes an appearance to finalize details for the trial approaching. However some people aren't to happy with the outcomes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope everyone enjoys this! thankyou once again to everyone that reads
> 
> Tumblr; nath-sykes-me-up

“Jay” I whispered as the nurses finally left, leaving us. They had detached the machines besides the heart rate monitor as well as the oxygen; he was apparently stable but may still be shook up.  
“I’m sorry” I pushed his short loose curl out of the way of his forehead, i heard Harry leave the room quickly shutting the door heavily behind him. I kissed his forehead which triggered his hand to go up to my cheek. His thumb caressed slowly whilst staring towards me not saying a word. All i saw was pain in his eyes as well as apprehension. Everyone knew he was to die in two weeks or less but i still had hope however Jay didn’t. I could see it staring at me right in the face; the fact he had just given up. That sight brought me to tears; he was hurt more than ever to the point it hurt me which made me fight more and more to keep him alive.  
Jay’ hand left my face as he rubbed his forehead “You know don’t you?” He croaked “About the trail”   
I nodded slowly and sighed “I need to talk to you about that but not right now you just woke up”  
“Why do you need to talk about it? You know i’m going to die which is why i set my cell on fire. I figured if i died then, i wouldn’t be a dead man walking”  
“Did you really kill her Jay? Because i don’t believe you did; i just don’t see how after everything you could of done it once again”  
“I didn’t do it Nath, but no one will believe me and you know it”  
“Why haven’t you said anything?  
“What’s the point? I guess my time has come”  
“You’re an innocent man Jay and we can fight with that”  
“Did you see that murder? Because i did; i saw it with my own eyes. She was stabbed several times by a man with a black jacket. I couldn’t see who it was due to the darkness but she was stabbed right in front of me and i couldn’t do anything to stop him. I ran away from the body as people thought it would be me. But the police saw me ran and instantly came to the wrong conclusion... there was no murder weapon left so DNA weren’t to be tested. They have someone to frame and that so happens to be me”  
I didn’t really know what to say, what he was saying was right in aspect that he looks guilty.   
“I won’t let you die, not now not ever” I whispered but a sudden knock at the door made me jolt away from him.  
A very tall man, ochre coloured skin as well as slick black hair which stood up finely. He looked very Sauvé to say the least as he wore as suit and tie and carried a leather briefcase.  
“Good afternoon, ah you must be Mr.Sykes yes?” He spoke; a hint of Irish broke through his voice  
“Yes and you are?”   
“Mr Kaneswaran, Jay’ solicitor. We spoke earlier during the week” He stuck his hand out and shook mine firmly “I’m here to discuss James’ trial which is approaching”  
“Yeah uh take a seat and we’ll all talk but Jay did just wake up”  
“I’m fully capable of discussing my death however” Jay added causing both me and his solicitor to stare at him  
“James you may not be put on death row-” Mr Kaneswaran begun   
“I’m being realistic here, I’m being charged for murder in a state which is the most common out all of them which uses death row” He said moving the bed to sit up making it easier for him to speak and see us  
“Jay, Mr Kaneswaran is right judging by what you said to me if both of us fight including you then you make walk away free or just a sentance”  
“Please, call me Siva” He interrupted, i nodded slightly “Nathan” I replied  
“I told you the truth but no one will believe me” Jay whined   
“What is this you speak of?” Siva inquired   
“Jay admitted to not killing her” I mumbled  
“Well that is a start!” He exclaimed scribbling it down into his notebook, i looked towards Jay and rolled my eyes causing him to snigger.  
“Now Nathan, what progress has Jay made so i know what to say during giving evidence?”  
“In the past few weeks or months however you put it, he has shown great understanding that he has done wrong in the past, that just because he is classes as a serial killer doesn’t mean he does not have a heart as i for one have that seen that more than ever”  
Jay cracked a slight smile as Siva scribbled it down , i stared at Jay as he mouthed ‘thanks’, i cocked my eyebrow causing him to snigger  
“Pleading not guilty yes?” Siva spoke opening his briefcase to reveal a ton of papers, Jay was hesitant but finally nodded. I smiled at him making sure he feels okay considering that is what i’ll be doing over the next week until the trail approaches.  
An hour passed as Siva still sat with us due to the requirement that i had to sign papers about Jay and that this meeting had occurred. I also had to write my own report about him over the past visits and how he has developed to give more of a justification to his plea.  
I shook Siva’ hand and he left swiftly letting Harry enter on his way out  
“You still here?” I asked as he sat down beside me  
“Wasn’t going to leave without you” He said coldly staring at Jay  
“What’s with you? Who rattled your cage?”  
“Him” He spat pointing to Jay  
“Excuse me?” Jay stuttered sitting up more  
“Leave my brother alone.”  
“I’m afraid he can’t do that”  
“Harry don’t you think you should leave?” I said interrupting before Harry regretted anything  
“What and leave you here with your murderous lover? No thanks”  
“You told him!” Jay exclaimed  
“It just came out” I responded “and plus we’re not lovers”  
“Might as well be” Harry said smugly “No wonder you’ve been paying so much attention to him, you’re obsessed!”  
“I’m not obsessed with him, i’m merely helping him regain hope of having a life after this trial”  
“He isn’t going to be alive Nath! He’s a murder and always will be!”  
“I’ll speak to you at home” I remarked seeing Jay tense up “Go home”  
Harry grumbled and slammed the door behind him, making the door shake. I wondered over to Jay and sat beside him, the room silent; the only sound was the bleeping of the moniter and us breathing.  
“I’m so sorry” I whispered lying next to him   
“He’s right you know” Jay muttered , i shook my head violently   
“Don’t take advice from him...chances are he had a joint before coming back in here...he doesn’t care”   
“Nath?”  
I looked up to him as saw his crystal blue eyes were shiny and lined with tears.  
“If i get sent down. Promise me you’ll be there when they inject me”  
I nodded slowly as let his head fall back heavily hitting the pillow, i heard his breathing change pace as he fell into a comfortable slumber.  
I laid there not moving just thinking about him. If he was to be found guilty, he would most certainly be put on death row. I’d have to watch him die right in front of me. I’d be the only one there beside two people they yanked of the street just for witness purposes.  
No family. No friends just me. I’m all that he needs now as well as hope.


	12. Drug addicts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nathan decides to spend the day at the office after a few weeks being off task. Harry ignites an old flame.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> once again thankyou to everyone that reads...really appreciate it

With Jay due to come out of hospital in a few days, i decided to catch up on a few clients that i had been rescheduling over the past few weeks which meant heading back to the office after grabbing a bite to eat and drink at the nearest Starbucks.  
I strolled into the office to find Louis in high spirits sipping on his coffee, he smiled brightly as i approached closer to his desk  
“Hello stranger” He sung handing some files “Business as usual i assume?”  
“For today yes but next week may be a different story”  
“Oh because of that murder boy you’re obsessed with has his trial”  
“I see you’ve been talking to Harry then”  
“Well we are dating” He said rolling his eyes whilst smirking  
“Since when?”  
“Since you caught us fucking in his room” He said so simply “That time has be revisited over and over again may i just say”  
“Thanks Louis...i really tried my hardest to get that out of my head...and that information wasn’t needed”  
“Your brother certainly tried his hardest if you know what i mean-“  
“Okay right yep i understand” I said waving my hand as i unlocked my office door  
“When’s my first client?” I shouted as i flicked on the lights  
“Any minute now” Louis chanted back, i flung the files on my desk on top of the papers that stood high  
“Uh...i thought i said for you to do these or are you too busy fucking my brother?”  
“I did! I don’t know where to put them”  
“Start thinking with your brain instead of your penis”  
“I will but if your brother comes into the equation i won’t be held responsible for my actions”  
I scowled and picked up the stack of documents and shoved them into the nearest filing cabinet. Cracking the window due to the stuffiness of the room, i pulled open the blinds letting the early morning sun burst through, making the room seem much brighter.  
“You haven’t opened those blinds in years” Louis said leaning up against the door frame   
“Change is good now and again”  
“You’ve been so sidetracked with Jay? Is it? You’ve barely had time to even see other clients”  
“Because he’s different. He doesn’t sit there and complain about he drowns his sorrows in alcohol or how his life is centred around drugs”  
“Unfortunately, you have to deal with people like that when you’re a psychologist”  
“I gathered”  
I heard the bell from the front office door ring causing Louis and I to flinch, he stepped back and smiled  
“Good morning you must be Mr.Malik yes?” Louis said gesturing into my office  
A mid heighted, young man with honey skin slouched around the door, he stared at me with his chestnut eyes and threw himself down on the couch without saying a word, i looked towards Louis as he shut the door slowly  
“Nice to meet you Mr.Malik” I said sitting opposite him in the arm chair  
“It’s Zayn” he said sternly slouching more into the cushions behind him and putting his hand in his pocket  
“Zayn..” I said opening his file; drug addiction still continuing to smoke and deal on a regular basis...some how i knew Harry was linked to him.  
“How long have you been dealing and administrating drugs?”  
“Dunno bout’ 2-3 years now”  
“What is the cause of this?”  
“Needed money don’t i? might as well do it myself considering i’m selling it”  
“Ever think about stopping?”  
“Nah”  
“Why not?”  
“I need money mate otherwise i can’t afford all these jackets and shoes and that latest high tech gear, not everyone has it easy like you”  
“I’m sure stopping would benefit more than money...you could get a job then drugs wouldn’t have to pay for everything”  
“How easy do you think it is to get a job around here? Not very in case you were wondering”  
“My brother is similar to you” I blurted out  
“How? Does he scavenge around for drugs and money?”  
“Pretty much”  
“I may know him” He chuckled  
“I think you do sadly”  
“Tryna think who your bro could be...you seem quire so i’m gonna take a stab in the dark and say Max?”  
“Uh...no...and i’m not quire”  
“Not Max eh?... Harry?”  
“If the Harry your addressing is gay, tall and completely annoying then yes. That is my brother”  
“You’re Harry’ brother!? So fucking weird man he’s like my best buyer he’s the reason I’ve got a roof over my head”  
“Brilliant”  
“Tell him i said hi”  
“Well by the sounds of my assistant i believe he’s outside this office right now” I said opening the door to find Harry tugging at Louis’ shirt with his tongue down his throat, i cleared my throat causing Harry to jolt of Louis  
“Zayn!?” Harry shouted running over to him and giving him a hug  
“Don’t stop on my account mate” Zayn chuckled causing me to rub my temples with despair   
“Oh...you’re here for my messed up brother” Harry sighed getting off Louis  
“I’m not messed up” I spat folding my arms across my chest  
“Do i really need to go into why you are? Anyway your little boyfriend called...he wants to see you”   
“He’s not my boyfriend Harry, and did he say when?”  
“Either tonight or tomorrow because he’s apparently meant to be leaving hospital soon and you have to discuss where he’s meant to go before his trial” Louis contributed probably knowing Harry wasn’t going to tell me  
“Right...I’ll try and see him at some point however i still have clients that need seeing”  
“Wow...you’re suddenly not putting him first for once” Harry muttered rolling his eyes  
“Zayn, i’ll type up a report of today’s meeting and i’ll email you your next appointment, next time we hopefully won’t be disturbed”  
He nodded and patted Harry’s back “coming with you mate” Harry muttered before sticking his tongue down Louis’s throat one more time and running his palms along his bum clenching it tightly  
“Bye Nath have fun with your little murderer boyfriend” He said slamming the door behind him. I looked towards Louis as he handed me a file   
“Next client i’m afraid, he’ll be about half an hour” He said sitting down in his seat.  
I sat down opposite his desk and sighed, the thought Jay going somewhere else freaked me out a bit considering he wasn’t allowed back into the prison after what happened  
“Oh by the way” Louis began “You do what’s best for you and Jay...not Harry” i nodded my head and smiled weakly  
“Thankyou Louis i will...i will”


	13. Good things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A twist of events occur after Nathan makes the go ahead. Could this tear Harry and Nathan apart?  
> The playing field is soon discovered between Nathan and Jay with precious consequences.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FLUFF OVERLOAD I'M SORRY not
> 
> thankyou once again to everyone that reads!

I spent the rest of the day thinking about what Louis said; because he had a valid point. Over all my years of psychology i have being longing for a client like Jay, someone with a real problem and generally needs my help. But i had broken the most valid rule of the job; not to have something going on with a client. But how could i resist them deep blue eyes that brightened my day? How could i possibly ignore the fact he was magnificent and nothing like anyone else. Jay was one of a kind and that for me stood out. The bare thought of the trial turned my stomach as i couldn’t bare to see him get sent down. I had fallen for him; i’ll admit that but maybe wouldn’t go so far as love as we had only kissed on a few occasions. I longed for him however, his lips left a stain on me; a taste which i couldn’t get enough of.  
Then something clicked in my brain, i was sitting there alone in my office whilst he laid there alone himself. My lips could be against his right now whilst my fingers rummage through his curls. His light moans as i slip my tongue into his mouth touching his slightly. What was i doing here?  
I stormed out my office with my jacket barely on and my glasses balanced on my head, i stopped and stared and Louis who smirked   
“I think he’ll be glad to see you” He said smiling giving me a nod, i smiled and bolted to my car; luckily traffic was barely a problem so it gave me the advantage to zip down to the hospital before swerving into a parking space.  
I ran through the corridors which seemed to prolong each step i took. Hospital corridors all look the same anyway so that didn’t really help.  
I reached the reception desk to his ward and signed in quickly before being stopped by a familiar body blocking my way.   
Without looking up i murmured a slight excuse me to find the figure not to move, i sighed and looked up to find my annoyance of a brother blocking me.  
“I suggest you move” I grunted pushing him out the way making him hit the wall slightly  
“What are you doing anyway? Messing around with a murderer!”  
“I’m not messing around, i’m fully capable of looking after myself and you know it”  
“You weren’t saying those words two years ago!” He screamed causing me to belt him straight around the cheek; i stood there as his hand felt his cheek, his mouth fell open as he glared at me in shock. I didn’t say anything; i only stared at him in disgust. I usually would of felt bad for hitting him any sort of violence or action towards anyone i would of apologised straight away however this was different, using my past as source of his poison in my head was crossing the line especially because he well and truly did help me. Now his head as somewhere else because i could look after myself.  
“If you really think that using my depression and my death wishes as ammunition to make me not see Jay then you’re dumber than i thought you were” I hissed pushing him away “Just leave me alone because maybe next time you won’t be there to stop me” I turned away and walked towards Jay’s door but his hand grabbed mine yanking me back to face him.  
“You’re my brother Nathan. We’ve both done shit we regret but this in my head is just stupid, i’ll stand by you at the trial but i don’t want anything to do with him...unless he finally shows his true colours...then call me” He said walking away. It seemed too simple for Harry though he would have usually rambled on about something completely irrelevant and made some idiotic comment, but this time it was just basic. I shook my head and rubbed my eyes before knocking on the door slightly to Jay’s room as i saw Harry leave the ward not looking back, i had never hit him before too be honest he probably thought i didn’t have it in me but i still stand with my opinion about everything; Jay, my past and him and Louis. I never liked talking about the second and third however.  
I walked into Jay’s room to find him off the oxygen tank and sitting up reading some chat magazine that the nurses had probably brought to him, he smiled as i sat beside him.  
“I wondered when you would get here” He said smiling, he sounded much more upbeat, he stretched out his hand rubbed the back of mine.  
“Sorry i had another client and Louis told me afterwards that you had called, then i came as soon as i could”  
“No worries i just wanted to see you...i don’t want this to be considered as a session but more like a chat between...whatever you call us”  
“What do you call us? Between me and you that is”  
“Well, friends don’t usually kiss and care so much but then i guess we’ve never discussed anything more than that”  
“I came here after i had a thought. I was sat in my office thinking about you and i couldn’t stop”  
“I hope it was good things”  
“Your lips...everything about you”  
“Good things then”  
“Definitely good things”  
“When will i be able to spend proper time with you Nath?”  
“After the trail then we can i promise”  
“What happens if-“  
“Don’t think like that, just think about me and you being together not in some hospital bed or some shitty cell, a decent place where we both feel safe”  
“Will i be able to kiss you again?”  
The room fell silent as i gazed at him, i moved myself onto his bed by his side and touched his short curls  
“You can as much as you want...now and after” I whispered as i entwined my hand with his, his soft touch soothing as well as relaxing my body.  
He leant towards me with his head turned and grazed our lips together; i deepened the touch as moved my head with his creating a slight clack as our lips collided. He felt as good against me as i ran my hands along his side as his run along my back. I felt his tongue glide into my mouth, fulfilling my thoughts from before. I hadn’t felt this good in years. The touch from somebody you lust is precious and Jay ticked every box for me. His hands were heavy but soft much like the way he kissed. I couldn’t be without this man any longer. I couldn’t loose him, not after everything i had already lost. I depended on this trial for many things. 1: The pure satisfaction of him living 2: Not having to see him locked up like some animal and lastly 3: I could spend every minute with him and love every second of it.


	14. Blinded by scars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After finally discovering the ground rules which are to start after Jay's trial. Nathan and Jay's life secrets are discussed with immense consequences.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not as much as i wanted to write but there you go....been busy with exams and revision so i havent had much time to update
> 
> almost at 1K ahhhh! thankyou so much

The room was filled with the flickers of sunlight when i opened my eyes open. I was still in Jay’s hospital room and cuddled up under his arm whilst he rested peacefully. He needed his rest more than ever; two days until decision day. I sighed rubbing my eyes as i tried to get back to sleep yet i had no luck. I couldn’t leave the room as i could hear nurses pacing down the halls and if Jay was to wake up he would become confused and worried. He was feeling enough of that already and didn’t need any more contribution.  
“Alright there?” I heard a voice croak from beside me, my movements must have disturbed Jay to the point of awakening.  
“Sorry” I whispered “Couldn’t sleep”   
Our gaze met. His eyes puffy and red; full of hurt and pain.  
“Nath, i can’t do it” His sobs muffled from the pillow  
I felt a sudden lump in my throat as i kissed his forehead “I’ll be there right beside you i always will”  
“I know that ill be dead in less than 2 weeks and that decision” He breathed heavily “will be made in two days” His chest started moving erratically as i huddled closer to him.  
“You won’t be dead, you’ll be alive and living your life”   
“You don’t know that”  
I entwined our hands together and clenched his tight. He was right in some perspective; i didn’t know that but i just didn’t want to think about that possibility.   
“I would be better for everyone if that jury sends me to my death”  
“Not for me it wouldn’t”  
“I’m tearing you and your brother apart”  
“That’s my fault not yours”  
“Explain how that is your fault”  
I sighed. I never really prepared to tell Jay about my past due to what it consisted of but i was desperate to deter his thoughts.  
“I uh, i became ill about 2 years ago, I’m not now well at least i think i’m not”  
“Ill?”  
“Depression”  
“How does that effect Harry?”  
“I was given these pills to build up my strength after the damage i did to myself...it changed me, how i reacted to him and others. I stopped the medication a year or so later and he became concerned over me...he’s overprotective but i understand why”  
“You hurt yourself?”  
“I couldn’t help myself” I pulled up my shirt sleeve to reveal light scars which shaped my wrists “I remember each one, every single one”  
He didn’t say anything which was probably the beauty of the moment; he just held my hands tight and began to gently kiss them. I shut my eyes at his touch and felt his beard run along my jaw line.  
“If i have to, i’ll kiss every scar” he whispered. I could feel his breath against my cheek which made goosebumps dance through me.  
“Why were you depressed?”  
I breathed heavily. These was something that i hadn’t come to terms with myself let alone tell another.  
“My mum... she died in a car accident; i was driving the car...Harry likes to tell me that it wasn’t my fault, but i can’t help think that it was”  
“He cares about you, just like me but less romantically of course”  
“I’ve never told anyone that besides Harry”  
“I’ll keep it safe, i hold a lot of things in my mind; good and bad”  
“Care to share since we’re discussing life’s secrets?”  
“How much time do you have?”  
“I have all the time in the world when it comes to you”  
I suddenly saw the warm smile finally before feeling it against my lips. I felt that spark again that i did the first time. It made me feel like a teenage boy squealing with enjoyment.  
“Not interrupting anything am i?” A husky voice spoke as i shot out of Jay’s arms. Harry had let himself in and stood broadly at the door.  
“Cuddling and kissing with a murderer...smooth Nathan i’m so proud”  
“If i’m happy then why are you so dead against Jay and I?”  
“Because he kills people for the pure enjoyment”  
“I never enjoyed anything i did” Jay shouted   
“Jay please just lay back-“  
“No no let the savage have his say”  
“He’s not an animal” I said sternly   
“His true colours will show in two days time when he goes down for slaughtering someone”  
“He didn’t do it”  
“You know what, i can’t wait; 48 hours time and you’ll see just what this situation really is”  
“I’ll see the man i adore walk free from something he didn’t do”  
“Then what happens after that?”  
“Not my problem”  
Harry scowled whilst pushing his curls back as a slim figure slipped through the door  
“Jesus Christ boys i can hear you two squabbling down the hall!” Louis tutted whilst clutching a Costa bag in his hands. He handed Harry a cup of what smelt like coffee and slouched in the arm chair.  
“May i raise my opinion?” He finally said looking towards us all. We must of all nodded as he perched on the edge of the seat’ his mannerisms screaming homosexual.  
“This trial is in two days yes?, Nathan obviously cares about Jay and vies versa and Harry cares about Nathan, so why don’t you all just suck it up and forget your issues because at the end of the day a man’s life is about to end for something he didn’t do”  
“An eye for an eye..” Harry said rolling his eyes  
“Then surely the world will soon be blind” Jay said simply.


	15. Inappropriate defeats

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nathan and Jay uh get a little 'freaky' before saying their 'final' goodbyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ay ay smut smut (more to come tbh) 
> 
> thankyou so much to everyone once again
> 
> *just a little side note, this fic has a long way before finishing so don't be mis lead by this chapter*

24 hours. That’s all that is left. A day until an innocent man on this particular occasion could be sentenced to death and i was to stand there watching with no way of showing them the true affections this man has under his cold skin.  
Jay was being taken to a different prison cell for 24 hours until being taken to the court tomorrow so i didn’t have long with him today. The agonising feeling was that this could be the last time i ever feel his touch or ever see his crystal blue eyes again. It made my stomach turn and i felt like ripping my heart out due to the pain. However i couldn’t complain because Jay was 10X worse, his life could be over in the matter of a week and that decision is made tomorrow by complete strangers that know nothing.  
The jury have evidence against him; his previous murders and him running away from the crime scene, it all adds up and much to Jay’s dismay his certainly looks like his doing. There was no way of finding the real murderer, he was probably half way across the globe by now and in the space of 24 hours it would be surely impossible to find any leads let alone solid evidence.  
Harry was still certain on coming to the trail with me, mainly just to prove that he was right he says but that resulted in Louis deciding that he was to join too.  
It isn’t a party I said it may be to Harry but to me this might as well be my death if Jay gets condemned to his. Harry truly didn’t understand that probably never will.   
“Nath...Nathan?” I heard Jay say whilst snapping his fingers in front of my face. I zoned out into my thoughts to deep so quite a jolt occurred when i snapped out of my head.  
“Uh...Yeah?” I stammered   
“Lost in your thoughts again?” He smiled getting up and slipping his shoes on  
“You aren’t going now are you?”  
“No but you’re coming with me outside, there is a balcony just down the hall”  
I slipped my coat on and followed him out, i’m guessing the nurses had agreed to let him stand out there; they had probably assumed the outcome of tomorrow and couldn’t say no to a dead man walking.  
He pushed open the glass doors which lead to wide balcony full of potted plants and a metal railing circling the outside. If you were to look out all you would see was miles and miles of fields and trees which in ways were some what calming. It was slightly overcast today much like my head at this point in time. Although the ceramic glass which stood tall around it probably made it less cloudy than it was.   
“Lovely view” Jay sighed resting his elbows on the railing and leaning his head into his hands  
“Indeed” I replied standing beside him  
“I’d be lying if i said i wasn’t scared” He begun “And i know you are too”  
“I am. I’m terrified but there’s not much we can do, I’ve thought of every possible solution”  
“There’s no way out Nath...Not from this nightmare”  
“I helped you out of one then surely i can help you out of this”  
He didn’t say anything but his silence spoke the truth. He just shook his head and let tears fall, hitting his shirt and on the patio.  
“Don’t Jay” I whispered wiping his cheeks clean “It may not happen”  
“It will Nathan how can it not?”  
“They see how much you’ve changed”  
“The only reason I’ve changed is you because if you weren’t by my side then i would be getting killed and that’s what i would want”  
“You’ve changed much more”  
“You’re the reason, you’re the reason that i actually have started smiling once more”  
“And you’ll be able to smile much more after tomorrow”  
“When I’m up above and looking down on you, smiling”  
“When you’re standing right next to me and smiling”  
“I can’t see it Nathan”  
“I can”  
“I just want to be free of my burdens and be with you”  
“You will be”  
“Don’t get your hopes up Nathan...and also don’t be surprised if it doesn’t work out the way we want it”  
I shook my head and rubbed my temples at Jay’s negative attitude however who could blame him exactly but to me he didn’t understand the strains i was under.  
I was obsessed with him; the way he reacts, his features, personality. Just generally everything about him either gave me goosebumps or made me feel like im on cloud 9.  
I couldn’t loose him, i lost myself two years ago and he is the only sense of regaining myself back that i have in my life.  
“Do you know what pissed me off the most about tomorrow besides the fact i may die?”  
“What?”  
“Tomorrow it’s been 3months since i met you”  
“3 months? It’s gone so quick”  
“I loved mostly every second of it”  
“Mostly?”  
“I could do without the murder trial and doctors constantly breathing down my neck”  
“I could do with biting it”  
“I’d love for you to bite my neck”  
“Not just your neck”  
“I’d leave a few marks on you”  
“I’d have to hold you against that”  
“I’d rather have you against me, Naked that is”  
“As soon as your found innocent i swear that will happen” I stepped foreword breathing hot air onto his neck. His hands wondered to my hips and lifted my shirt slightly humming in appreciation. I sucked slightly on his jaw line nibbling slightly causing him to move his hands further, slipping his fingers around the hem of my trousers.  
“No one is likely to check on us right?”  
“Don’t know why they would” I moaned slightly in his ear which made his hand slip further. His finger tips grazed my thigh clinging to the material of my underwear. I was putty in his hands and he loved every second of it. I moaned once more which triggered him to gasp, giving me the ability to slip my tongue inside his mouth, interlocking our lips.  
His hand touched my hardened cock and i jerked at the touch of his palm  
“Please” I moaned into his ear as he gathered a good grasp around me and began to pump causing shivers to shoot through me. I attached my lips to his neck to stop the out bursts of moans which would lead to being discovered.  
He stroked my cheek with his other hand before letting it fall down and grasping my bum into his fingers feeling it softly.  
I felt a sudden heat rush come over me and a knot tighten in my stomach  
“J-Jay” I gasped as he bit his bottom lip adding more and more to my high.  
“Nathan come for me” He whispered into my ear tipping me over the edge. I came straight into his hand as i moaned straight into his neck and falling to my knees.  
He chuckled as i looked up through my eyelashes. He was licking his hand clean staring right at me.  
“Next time, you better get on your knees for something over than defeat” He whispered   
“Nobody saw that right?” I said pulling my trousers properly up and straightening out my shirt   
“Nope unfortunately”  
“Unfortunately!?”  
“I would have been so hot to get caught”  
“That moment was already very hot”  
“Just imagine when were properly alone”  
“I can’t wait”  
“I’d actually like to see what i just handled; properly”  
“You can see as much as you want”  
He smirked as i stepped foreword in order to kiss him, he jumped back as we heard the glass door open  
“Mr Mcguiness, it’s time to go” The nurse said walking back inside  
“Jay” I kissed his lips and pulled him close  
“I’ll see you tomorrow”  
“I’ll be there” He sighed pulling away and walking towards the door  
“I love you Nathan” He called out and walked back inside but looking back to me, hoping for some response   
My eyes widened. Frozen completely to the point i could only make out a grunt.  
He had gone, the next time id see him would be standing the block being accused of murder and couldn’t even manage to respond to him.  
“Jay” I whispered as i fell back against the bench. He had gone.


	16. Numb revelations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The dreaded day has arrived and about everyone is feeling sick. But somebody in particular is a bit hot under the collar.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> holy shit balls i'm just gonna say this chapter took me so long to write and idk it hurt my heart  
> thankyou to everyone that reads omg!!
> 
> due to my exams and holiday, any other updates will happen after June 25th where i will update more frequent.
> 
> Thankyou for your time

I barely slept at all last night, i was more pacing throughout the halls of my flat just thinking of the possible outcomes. I could lose him today and it made my heart ache, i couldn’t talk to anyone about my affections especially Harry as i all i would get in return would be smirk and judgemental look. Not worth the extra agony.  
I had been in my suit since 7am and watched the sun rise above the city with a small whisky lining my stomach. I couldn’t eat today as i don’t think anything could agree with me today. The thought of the possibility of having him safe in my arms warmed my heart, his hands running along my sides whilst he nipped at the nape of my neck. I wanted him safe and alive.  
“You need to eat Nath” Harry sighed as he buttoned up his shirt with his tie around his neck  
“Can’t stomach it” I muttered as i leant up against the cold window and watched the cars speed by  
“Anything come on bud we haven’t got long”  
“Then i don’t need to eat”  
Jay’s court session started at 11am, it was now 9:30 but intended to be there half an hour before as i was asked to state my outcomes of Jay’s time with me. I had to act professional and give hard core evidence that Jay had certainly changed which could contribute to his plead.  
The door bell rang throughout the flat, most likely Louis as he was tagging along probably to have sex with my brother afterwards not for my comfort at all, no one could comfort me today; only Jay.  
“Can you tell him to eat please he’s making it 10x worse” I heard Harry mutter to Louis, stupid boy i could obviously hear him did he really want to make today about him?  
“I’ll try” Louis whispered, yet again i could hear very clearly  
“Good morning boss” Louis said sitting on the end of the sofa facing me  
“Is it really good? Because last time i remember your boyfriend wasn’t getting sent down for murder with the possibility of him getting murdered, it was mine so no Louis, it really isn’t a good morning” I snapped slamming my glass down of the table and walked into my office sinking down in the chair.  
“I tried” I heard Louis whisper followed by footsteps to my door   
“Nath”  
“What”  
“Can i take you somewhere before we head off to the court?”  
“Depends”  
“Trust me?” Harry said pushing the door “Louis will meet us there so it will be just us two”  
I got up from my seat and followed Harry to leave   
“We’ll meet you there alright can you lock up?” Harry said to Louis in which he nodded. Harry shut the door and put his hand upon my back causing me to jump, the lack of sleep and food was surely catching up with me, today was hard enough for me evidently making it harder for Harry.  
I went to open the car door but was dragged away by a firm grip  
“Nope, its not that far we can walk” Harry said gently as he began to walk, i trailed behind him until he slowed down to my pace   
“Where are we going?” I asked  
“Somewhere we use to go but really don’t as often as we should”  
“Why today?”  
“Because”  
“Because?”  
“I want too” Harry snapped as he brought his fingers to his temples  
“Sorry” He whispered as we reached Harry’s destination.  
“How long has it been?” I whispered as he open the rusty gate; it was nothing how it use to be when we came here before. Harry and I use to always visit our parents before things began to change between us.  
“Too long” He replied picking two roses of the bush as we walked down the path  
“I feel slightly ashamed”  
“Its why we came today”  
“But why today?”  
“Can you stop with the questions Nathan?”  
I sighed as we reached our parents finally at rest. I sighed and sat down of the bench that Harry and I had made so when we visited we weren’t kneeling over them. I never told Jay why i really harmed myself but this was exactly it. My parents were slaughtered in a tragic car accident when Harry and I were only starting out in our flat which made it much harder for us to move and cope with it. Harry drugged away his pain whilst i became someone else and fell into depression, not something your parents would be exactly proud of.  
“I just wanted to come and see them” He croaked. He was of course crying which is understandable considering we always do when we visit.  
“I understand” I whispered bringing him into my chest, we all had to be strong today, me for Jay and Harry was my anchor if the jury went against him.   
“It’s been to long and it was hurting me”  
“We’ll come more often after today is over no matter what the consequence”  
He didn’t say anything, he just smiled weakly and left the roses on the grave where they lied.  
“Come on, you’ve got somewhere to be right” He said wiping away his tears of his rosy cheeks, pushing back his long curls into his bandana that strapped around his head.  
I nodded as we walked slowly back down the path, i had never really seen Harry cry, unless when he fell over when he was little and hurt himself but besides that he never really shed a tear. Not even when we got given the news of our parent’s death did he show any form of tear. He just sat there and held me as i screamed. Without it sounding extremely worrying or at least paranoid, something really wasn’t right maybe it was the fact of seeing me starve and put myself through more pain but i hardly doubt it.  
In some ways we’re some what lucky that the cemetery isn’t far from the court as its probably where they bury the prisoners they kill themselves.  
It was nearing 10:30 and i could see Louis standing outside the door with his hands shoved deep into his coat pockets. He smiled weakly as he saw Harry and I approach  
“You can do this Nath, just stay positive and everything will work out” Louis whispered as he linked his arm around mine, i nodded and mouthed a ‘thankyou’ as we entered. The hallway as at least 40 metres high with solid oak floors and pillars which stood all around the room as people in black cloaks and notepads rushed around. Of course their were other cases going on today because the people for Jay’s case were probably already taking their seats.  
I spotted Mr.Kaneswaran coming towards me smiling brightly, pft, glad he could be so happy today.  
“Ah Mr Sykes how very nice to see you”  
“You too Mr Kaneswaran”  
“So are you ready to go in? And I need the case folder please?”  
I nodded and handed him the folder that Louis clutched to his side, luckily enough Louis remembered it unlike me which left it due to my mind being a muddle.  
We followed Mr Kaneswaran as he showed us the way in to our seats. We weren’t high up but it was just enough to see over the whole court. Armed guards stood by the blocks were Jay would be standing and by the door if people were to give evidence which connected the part to where we sat.  
I sat down swiftly in my seat, hunched my back over and buried my head in my hands. I felt Louis run his hand over my back with the slight embrace added to it. Nothing like Jay’s.  
“I love you Nathan so be strong yeah?” Harry whispered ruffling my hair and pulling me into his side, i just nodded in response. He was surely being weird today considering he never cries or even says he loves me. Ever.  
The jury took their seats along with Mr Kaneswaran who sat in front of us behind a desk with the documents back Jay, the saddening part is that there was only my case folder, my report and the notes Mr Kaneswaran had made.  
4 officers; armed with i may add entered the room with Jay in tow. His hands bonded together with metal handcuffs, he was dressed and dress shirt, black suit and shoes which if the moment wasn’t to compromising i would have been extremely turned on by this.  
The judge entered signalling the case to start, I took a big gulp and sighed.  
“Today, Mr James Mcguiness stands trial with the charge of murder with the possibility of a death sentence. Mr Mcguiness, do you swear to tell the truth and nothing but the truths in front of all these witnesses as you stand here today?” The judge spoke,   
“Yes your honour”  
“And how do you plead?” By the look of the judges face you could already tell that he had made his decision.  
“Not guilty your honour”  
“Bullshit!” Someone screamed from behind us, i turned to find Mr George; a fellow client of mine that had spoken to me about the death of his girlfriend. I was right. His girlfriend was the murdered party.  
“Quiet in the back or you’ll be removed!” The judge shouted “Very well Mr Mcguiness, lets proceed ah Mr Kaneswaran you are with Mr Mcguiness today. Step foreword please and support Mr Mcguinesses plead”  
“Well your honour, Mr Mcguiness pleads not guilty because tell me this, why would somebody want to commit murder again after being in jail for several years or so, anyone who is sane enough would not make that judgement again. Mr Mcguiness was hospitalised when officers at his solitary confinement tortured him brutally in which Mr Sykes; James’ psychologist witnessed. Here i have Mr Sykes’ notes over the past couple of months about James and his development. With Mr Sykes being a fully qualified psychologist, his verdict is and in his own words ‘a changed man in need of a chance’. Having visited James on several occasions it certainly supports My Sykes’ reasons. He says that ‘James has made significant change over the course of our treatment and often tells stories about how he planned never to offend again’”  
“May i see Mr Sykes’ report Mr Kaneswaran”  
Siva handed the report over to the judge. I couldn’t help but twitch with nerves i saw him scan through my type ups.  
“Mr Mcguiness has surely made the improvement by the help of Mr Sykes”  
He said breaking the bone chilling silence that lingered around the court room. “Thankyou Mr Kaneswaran, i would like to hear from Mr Parker now”  
Siva sat down and looked around to me and gave me a slight nod before tucking his chair in as who must of been Mr Parker rose from his seat with a handful of papers.  
“Ever heard of the saying, once a murderer always a murderer? Well that saying applies right now as Mr Mcguiness was seen running from the crime scene and had no intention of stopping when police officers managed to track him down. Although he has no direct link with the innocent party, it’s not likely that he was in the wrong place at the wrong time judging by his past. I think that says a lot Am i right? The murder occurred with a shot to the head and the gun was never found so forensics couldn’t find anything to even support Mr Mcguinesses case as well as mine, but his foot prints were left right by the body due to the heavy snow fall that night” Mr parker spoke, his voice strong and at this moment wanted to make me punch him so he would shut up with his conspiracy about Jay.  
“Thankyou Mr Parker, there were no witnesses besides Mr Mcguiness so i would like to hear his opinion on the night”  
Jay looked up startled; they don’t usually call on the accused especially in murder trials. He cleared his throat and began;  
“I was homeless so i wandered the streets anyway, it was cold, dark and a bunch of kids had deterred me away from my usual spot for the night. I was turning down a dark alley way in hope to find shelter when i saw her fall the ground. A figure who had their hood up stood in front of me with a gun so i ran hence my foot prints in the sand and not wanting to stop. A murderer had seen me witness them doing wrong, I’m not stupid they would of killed me next so i obviously didn’t want to stop. I’ve been in jail before and hated it. I was tortured by the confined facility i was placed in and then was hospitalised until yesterday. I would never want to experience that again meaning that i would never take another life”   
I turned to the jury and many of them weren’t paying attention, majority of them were fiddling with their thumbs or most likely doodling on their papers. I felt sick.  
“Thankyou...Mr Mcguiness, the Jury will now decide a verdict”  
The jury stood up and left through the side door and hung my head down. It wasn’t looking good at all, the Jury had only listened to Mr Parker so they probably had their decision already it’s just rules to go back there and clarify things just to drag our pain out.  
“He’s going to be okay Nathan” Louis whispered  
“No he’s not” I crocked turning to Harry who stared at the judge and then at Jay, he was dripping with sweat and was biting his lip.  
“What’s wrong with you?” I asked but was interrupted by the heavy door swinging open with the jury entering.  
“I’m sorry” He whispered running his sweaty hands down his trousers as he looked to the guards.  
“Have you made a decision Mr Horan?” The judge spoke  
“Yes your honour, on the account of the evidence placed here today, James Mcguiness-“  
“Stop!” Harry screamed causing my head to snap, he was crying again; much more than before.  
“Is there a problem!?”  
“You’re sending the wrong man down” He said moving out of the pew towards the guards  
“Excuse me?”  
“Jay didn’t do it your honour, i did, I killed her”  
“Sir you do know this accusation will get taken seriously”  
“You couldn’t find the gun? I know where it is, its buried in the park opposite here ironically”  
“This will affect this case and mean you are put in solitary confinement until further notice with the possibility of a death sentence!”  
“Better me than an honest man”  
With that, the guards arrested Harry and i felt Louis fall to the floor screaming. I felt numb once again. My own brother had stood there for months and watched him suffer.  
“With this accusation being made, a search team will be sent out to the park to look for the murder weapon and used with forensics. Mr Mcguiness however will be placed on bail but with certain requirements. I would like Mr Mcguiness to stay with Mr Sykes with 24 hour security outside the residents until the evidence has been found and studied. If Mr Mcguiness is innocent, then he will of course walk free with immediate effect, otherwise he will face a death penalty that is all”  
The judge stood up and left the court room, the guards to Jay back down to probably release him through the back.  
Louis still cried on the floor in shock and pain.  
My brother. The killer.


	17. Not just some patient

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harsh tones are left upon Nathan as he battles with his emotions over Harry's confession. But is soon comforted by the talk of the future

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is long over due and im sorry but hopefully ill write more now that i can go somewhere of this  
> thankyou though if you've been reading :-)

I was escorted out of the court room and into the main foyer. Louis was a mess behind me but he was the least of my worries considering i had many of them.  
I didn’t dare say anything to anyone. They would only think that i knew which i really didn’t and that’s what disturbed me the most.  
Whilst i was suffering with Jay’s case and fighting for his freedom, he was stood by my side complaining about me for doing so when in all fairness he was the one who needed to be up in the court being sentanc-. Shit. The sentence for the trial; the penalty was death.   
I threw up. I must admit i couldn’t contain it any longer and i was sick to my stomach with pain and anger. I was grabbed Mr. Kaneswaran due to my knees giving way. He sighed and handed me a glass of water and sat up on a bench. Too be honest, there really wasn’t much he could do.  
“Nathan?” He sighed handing me tissues stuffed from his pocket. I wiped my mouth clean and tilted my head slightly to speak.  
“I didn’t know” I croaked  
“I gathered you know by the throwing up and the look on your face”  
“Well it’s not everyday my brother confesses to murder after months of being a big ass hypocrite”  
“Well his trial isn’t for another week or so depending on whether the officers are successful when checking the location of the weapon and then it will be sent off to forensics if its found”  
“What about Jay?”  
“He’ll be let out soon but he’s on bail until Harry’s verdict is concluded so he is allowed to go anywhere he chooses as long as it’s not out the country”   
“So...he can stay with me if he wants to?”  
“I think he does but yes he is allowed”  
I smiled and quickly finished the water he gave me. I saw Louis coming out of the bathroom over the far side of the hallway with a bunch of tissues in his hands. I sighed and excused my self from Mr Kaneswaran considering Louis and I had to talk about this sometime.  
“Louis” I sighed  
“Nathan, look i didn’t know at all seriously but we need to find him a lawyer otherwise he’s going to get that sentence”  
“He out right admitted to it Louis but yeah we will get him someone but at this point in time, he’s been lying to me for several months and watched me suffer with Jay”  
“He’s your brother! Yeah he was being a dickhead for the past few months but he’s stood by you all through everything”  
“Yeah well look how that turned out! He murdered someone and lied to me for months and pressured me when i helped Jay. Some brother”  
“He needs you Nathan, you can’t just abandon him now!”  
“Watch me”  
In all fairness Louis was correct. He was my brother and he had helped through any obstacle in life but now i just felt betrayal and all i wanted to do was go home and never see him again. But of course all his belongings are at ‘home’ and i’ll have Louis crying in my ear saying how Harry deserves better. The sentence bothers me. He is still my brother and cannot watch him die no matter what. My mind is muddled and i have no idea what to do anymore but at the same time Jay is some what out of harms way.  
“Nathan, Jay is outside waiting he’s been released now” Mr Kaneswaran said which made me quickly spring to my feet. We both went outside and found Jay sitting on a bench scuffing his feet along the pavement, his eyes widened when he saw me but hesitated to approach.  
“So you’re coming to stay with me then?” I smiled sitting down next to him. Mr Kaneswaran excused himself and mentioned that he’ll be in touch about Harry and the duration of the case.  
“If you want me to be there, i mean what happened there wasn’t nice and he’s your brother and i’m coming between you both and-“  
“Hey look he’s guilty and you’re not as well as the fact you can walk around and not be locked away in some prison cell or hospital bed”  
“He’s still your brother and i’m just patient”  
“No you’re not just some patient Jay, do you think i go through all this pain and trouble just because you’re a patient of mine? I’ve shut off my business until you were out of this mess and do you think i do that for anyone?”  
I slipped my hand into his and squeezed it. He shook his head and leant it on my shoulder  
“What are we gonna do Nath?”  
“Well...you can come home first and get settled”  
“Home..?”  
“Yeah where else are you going to go?”  
“I’ve never had a home, well not properly anyway”  
“You do now” I kissed his forehead slightly and smiled weakily|  
“Don’t worry Nathan, everything will be okay”


End file.
